


5 times JJ sank and the one time he floated

by lantislyfe



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: JJ (Outer Banks) Needs a Hug, Light Angst, References to Drugs, Some dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24133600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lantislyfe/pseuds/lantislyfe
Summary: JJ finds himself sinking alot but then he learns how to float
Relationships: JJ & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ & Pope (Outer Banks)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	5 times JJ sank and the one time he floated

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any grammatic errors, also this.

1.

for years he wondered where she was, his mom. He don’t remember her but in pictures and telltales from the cashier and the rumors that goes along, he’s heard everything from prison to dead. Every time he asks his father, the answer changes. He just wants to know, want to see her. Wants to see if he looks more alike his mother than he is his father. 

It's always there, in the back of his mind, like a itch that won't go away. Some days more than others, but its always there. He wonders if her hair is golden that falls in ringlest over her shoulders, maybe they even have the same nose. Would it be clear that he is her son? or would he look out of place, would he be a stranger? 

When he was child he used to think that maybe she was on a trip, enjoying life on the french riviera drinking wine and enjoying the scenery. Other days, he would think that maybe she was laying dead and buried somewhere. Maybe he had done it. He learnt quickly that it was a dangerous way of thinking, drags him down the hole deep inside his mind and suffocates him, drowns him. leaves a mark. The most scary thought though, is the one where she is somewhere on the mainland, with a new man maybe even kids. That she is happy, happy without him, that she can live pain free; And he knows, he knows that it is so incredible selfish too think like that but he always feel pain, deep down in his conscience but also on the blue battered surface. 

He stopped crying about her a long time ago. Not since 13, when he decided he was going to grow up, stop being a crybaby, because no amounts of tears will bring her back; dead or alive. He only cries when his father compares him to her, and sometimes he wishes that he was just like her, anywhere but on outer banks. Most times he hates her, that she left him behind, alone, like he had a chance to defend himself against him. But he understands, sometimes, when the house is empty and you can’t even cry because it will echo against the walls and remind you about how pathetic it is. 

The itch gets better at day and when he has a joint or a beer in his hand. When his head isn’t clouded by the burn marked questions about his mom. When he lets himself get a little hazy, when he gets a little more lose, when his joints get soft and he sinks, through the cushions, the sand and the guilt, and there is nothing left, nothing bad. 

Sometimes when he is all loose and his thoughts almost drifts away in to the air, he thinks about the girl that drowned, they had been 10, too young to be alone at the beach, but some kids still sneaked out when they could. He had been there. Seen her get dragged under the waves, the sand must’ve turned into quicksand, his feet had never been has heavy as then. It had been beautiful, the sky looked like the reflection of stained glass as the waves grew bigger, taller, mightier. Then and there, he had realized, the weight of death, what it was. What a terrible way to go, what a poetic way to go, he thinks, almost. Maybe his mom drowned, she might have tried taken a boat, capsized, gotten thrashed against the rocks and disappeared. 

When JJ was 15, he, John B and Pope had been surfing when he got taken down under the waves, the currence rips one apart, at least feels like. He had been counting the seconds, he’d learnt, in school that the average person could hold their breath for about 40 seconds. At 20, he was ready to give up. And he would’ve if it had not been for the boys. When he finally resurfaced, he had felt an overwhelming sensation of electric like fire along his skin, but at the same time he was frozen to the core. It was that day he knew, he owed them. He payed their unwritten debt, day in and day out. JJ knew he was not a lot, but he knew he was loyal, he had nothing to lose but his friends. 

And so he has a new itch, a second itch. This one is different, it overlaps the first one, this lays on his skin, crawls, fills him with dread, because he know what’s to come. He has known it since day one, when they first met at the beach. Pope was always destined for college, the golden boy. Kiara had potential to be something, someone; he knew they would see her on Tv someday, maybe the first page of Times even. It was all something temporary and they all knew it. It would just be John B and JJ left. 

Then it happened. 

The summer, the complete shit show. John B and Sarah was missing, presumed dead.   
JJ died a little that day too, and he did for the continues days, weeks and months. Now the itch is just plain, wrenching pain, it comes in waves, he will think he’s fine then the next he is slumped against the floor thinking he will die of heartache. It's almost like all the hurt and pain he’s felt since day one, comes to the surface, pushes through the skin and out in to the air. Then he's vulnerable, exposed. Its then he realizes he will be alone, truly alone. He is terrified, filled with horror, fills him from the bone and out. Pushes under the skin, makes him feel cold even though he stands in full sun light. 

One day, when he sits at John B’s house, on the pull out couch, and he closes his eyes. He sinks again, in between the cushions. He falls between the memories of friends, the shack. Like a flood wave it hits him. His mom. John B. He sinks even further, until he reaches a point where he is sure that he won't be able to climb the rotten walls of his mind. 

He feels a hand on his knee, recognises it. He hears someone talk, soft. Whispers. It sheds light, but he is still falling, down, deeper. He’s going to hit the bottom soon, not yet; but soon.  
He feels the hand move from his knee to his hair, he curls like a toddler into it. He reaches the end, the bottom. rock bottom. crash. he cracks. He clings to the person next to him, the hand of someone else is dragging their thumb against his cheek, presumably drying his tears. JJ is the first to speak, “I don’t think I can do this”, there is only himself breathing. The person next to him shifts, he clings on, He sees who it is, Pope, and he doesn't say much more after that. JJ dont know when, but the moon has replaced the sun and it's dark inside, the moon light has sneaked in among the springs, illuminates them. Everything is a shade of blue, including his head, his thoughts. Pope lets him sit there, lets him cling, lets his fingers get busy with mapping every curl of JJ’s hair. Other than that, its quiet. It feels wrong for it to be this quiet in the place that usually is bustling with life. But now there is just them and the peace of quiet. He waits, not for something special, just for something. Pope goes up to leave, he reaches for the snapback that is laying on the floor, puts it on JJ’s head much like a mom that picked her kid up from daycare. “You just gotta keep livin, man”, he doesn't wait for a answer back, he just walks out, avoids the spots that he knows will creak. 

2\. 

It goes past a few days, a week or two before he sees him again. He goes to John B’s to see if he had forgotten something, sometime, like that was important. Like he did not just need an excuse to see and relive the place. Its early morning, the sun is peeking, teasing, like it got something to show. When he reaches the stairs he wonders if they will ever relive the place like it was at its full glory, will they ever see eachother again, like they used too.

The door is open, he can walk right in. He accidentally steps on a creaking board, makes him scared that maybe, it's already fading, their memories of each others, their friendship. Kiara has been hanging out with the Kooks again, more and more, like the past just never happened. He can’t blame her, if he had the possibility, he would to. 

On the pull out sofa, in the same spot as last time, lays JJ, wedged between the cushions, like he never even left, like he stayed there to rot away. He thinks that it may be a possibility, but after further investigation he figures it can't. JJ has a black eye that he did not have last time. He knows, the whole cut knows. It's not news. He sits there, and he smokes, long drags, he looks lost in thoughts. JJ is the first to speak, it's a simple “hey”, but it has nothing behind it, at least not like it used to have.

JJ looks at him, “sit”, he watches as the smoke fade. Pope feels stuck, as if his legs grew stuck to the floor, “ I just forgot something”. JJ nods, he continues even though Pope stays put, stuck. “If John B is still alive, somewhere.” he clenches, presses his hand against his eyes before continuing. “ where do you think he is?”. Suddenly it feels like the roof has collapsed on him, like he is the only supporting beam left in this place, “well, I, don't..” but he doesn't get to finish before JJ continues, “ I like to think that they made it to mexico, that maybe they just fooled us all” . 

Pope has not moved on, and he won’t for a long time. But at least he has started to process it, at least trying to. That is more than you could say about JJ, sometimes he is sure that JJ is just stuck in his own head, it's as if he haven’t realized what has happened. His dad had said that different people process things at their own pace, but it had been months now. School was back on but JJ had yet to come. There is a long pause where neither speak, they are looking at each other, through each other. JJ takes another drag, stares at the smoke, his mood changing to something else, but something that Pope doesn't quite know what it is.  
“Weren’t you here for something?”, and as on que he scurries away to snatch whatever shirt is thrown across the kitchen table, “yeah, i was just going”. JJ says something, but Pope doesn't bother. not anymore. 

3.

JJ is sinking again, through the cushions like all the times before, but harder and faster than usual. He has been going here almost everyday, he likes to think that maybe someday John B will walk through the door again, like if he was only on a fishing trip. Sometimes he even thinks that he can hear him, he swears that the door opens sometimes, that the floorboards creaks. He can see him sometimes, not often, it has only happened twice, when he dabbled in something else than weed, He had been there, just out of reach, like a ghost that moved corner to corner. If he believed in such things he would be certain that he was being haunted. But seeing John B, had given him peace, as if he was right there in physical form and not just another brain ghost, not just something that he made up in his daydream. 

His mother always said that he was a daydreamer, a dreamer to be specific. It's comforting, being able to escape whenever he wants, and he as found himself using it as his escapism more and more, it's the last normal thing he has left, he at least thinks.

He wonders what Kiara thinks of him, does she still care for them, like he cared for them? Does she know that he carries the guilt of John B and Sarah like a jacket that gets heavier and heavier until he sinks way down to the bottom and gets stuck there. He is scared what will happen if he gets stuck down there, wonders what his mind is capable off. 

Swimming through his mind, trying to grip at whatever so that he do not drift away at sea, he finds not what he seeks but what he need. It hits him like a flood wave, it's a way younger version of John B and himself, sitting on the edge of the curb at the rich neighborhood, just because they could, it was not that big of a thing for a couple of kids. They had been out the whole day looking for his mom, like she would show up, after all that time. Neither of them really knew what they were looking for. Next is John B and himself again, but this time on a boat, the day after Big John didn’t return. They didn’t find him, but JJ sat by his side like little John B had done for JJ all that time ago. So he realises once again, how truly alone he is, how alone he will be. 

4\. 

JJ has been alone more or less his whole life, a motherly emptiness throbbing inside his chest. It’s December when he sees it, it was on accident that he had stumbled upon what he assumed was his mother's instagram profile, he had not been able to sleep. 

He thought that he would be happy, that it would fill the hole he has growing. It confirmed what he had thought as a child. There was photo after photo of her and her new family. It must have been her, he know it, deep in his bones that it was her. He recognises the soft features that he had buried somewhere in his mind. It's like getting thrown in ice water, a reality check out of this world. In one of the photos theres a photo of a child no more than 9 years old, it looks just like him. But worst of all, she seems happy, she seems relaxed and fulfilled. At peace with her new life. 

All the doubts he had as a child were now confirmed, she probably hadn’t thought about him in a long time. Does she remember what he looks like? Would she recognize him? 

He starts sinking, right through the floor of the vw van. This time if different, he reaches bottom fast, and it hurts. Like lightning, he aches inside out, complete and utter terrorizing pain. He throws his phone out, sees the screen shatter. It only builds up. He is at the bottom and this time he swears the air is running out as well. He cries like he did when his mom disappeared when he was a kid. 

When he wakes up, the rain hangs heavy in the air. Almost unnatural, as if the air was manufactured. He also notices someone else there, someone he haven’t seen in a while. Kiara sits there. almost like she never left. She sits cross legged, looks at something in the distant, but most definitely aware of the situation. He scoots over as softly as he can, crawls so he lays half draped over her lap. “still friends?”, she looks at him, takes it in, she almost laughs a little , “ why wouldn’t we?”. He lets himself relax for once, he is halfway asleep as he says “just checking in”. He once again falls asleep, this time he is safe, he is calm.

5.

He’s been okay for a while, not easy, but okay. They have been enjoying their last summer as much as they can, because at the end of summer, Pope and Kiara is leaving for college.   
They had been spending a lot of their time on the water, the mesh and the beach. Every second spent on the water was a second well spent. 

tomorrow they leave. They say they will come back, maybe for the holidays. But not for life. They are making sure to spend their time with their families before they part, he understands, this time as well. JJ has come to realise that a big part of his life is founded of the notion of understanding others and their problems. There was not a lot of time spent trying to understand himself or why he is always sinking. Sinking for him was what it must feel like to be stuck in quicksand. The more you fight it, the harder is it to get out of.

They sneak out one last time. Like the old days, the go to one of the constructions and they climb the roof and they sit, they talk about that summer, they talk about what they think will happen in their future. JJ don’t wanna talk about it and he asks to change the subject. He doesn't wanna talk about it because he knows what it will be, he has seen it and he can see it crystal clear. Still he doesn't wanna make this moment about himself, so he makes efforts. Sees his best friends light up at the questions. Internally though, he is counting the seconds until they leave. 

He waves them goodbye together with their parents. Then he walks home from the ferie. This time the sinking is different, its slow, makes his legs cramp as he leaves his only friends. He sinks as a boat taking in water with every step until he is underwater and the fight for air is done, when he is fully submerged by his own fears; He thinks as he reaches the bottom that, then there was only one.

+1   
For the first time, JJ isn’t sinking, but he is floating. He is floating above the clouds, like astral projection, he is seeing himself from above, in total and complete serenity. He sees himself in the water, on his board, the waves are calm, non existing. Its okay, for once again, he is not alone, he is remembered.

At 20, he had almost given up, at 20, he saw John B again. An agreement with John B’s uncle made sure JJ could stay at the place until he claimed it back. He once again was sinking, through the kitchen floor, with the empty liquor bottles in hand. It had gotten harder after Pope and Kaia left, they had the chance and they took, and he can’t blame them. 

He had fulfilled his fear, he had slowly started to turn into his father, luckily he had no kids, but he was a machine set on self destructing. He spends his days by the garage, or with the other trouble makers making ends meet. The random people he meets at the bars, the beach, are never enough to meet the empty feeling inside, nothing. He has already had the best. 

When he sits at the kitchen floor, half way through the floor, flipping his coin; He sees him. Finally lost it, he finally lost his grip on reality, out of touch. This time though, John B looks different, looks older, more rough. He doesn't look like he usually do, when his mind plays mind games with him. Still he tells himself, “you’re not real”, he shy’s behind himself, like a dog who chases its tail. But then, this new version of John B, places his hand firmly on his shoulder, gives it a squeeze. Then it clicks, the moving parts stills and it makes sense. He had known, somewhere deep inside, that maybe he still was alive. He is having trouble finding words, trouble making sentences. But he doesn't have to make sense, he almost throws himself over his long gone friend. 

He sees from above, himself smiling, and he sees his friend right besides him.   
At last he he is not longer alone, at last he is loved.


End file.
